i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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