I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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