Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
