There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
the raccoons are back...
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