You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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