ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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