batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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