My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
