Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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