is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
