I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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