omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
