oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
