so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
