hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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