well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
