My Higher Power is John Stamos
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
