I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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