Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
