I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
