woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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