Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
