....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
someone owes me an orgasm
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
