Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
