I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
