im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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