Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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