I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
