The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
