i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
