how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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