I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
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I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
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I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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