3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
