After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
