Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Is this like a preordered booty call?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
