It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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