Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
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thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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