There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
