The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
