I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
