My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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