lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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