The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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