is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
this will be a night to untag.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
