Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
