is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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