I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
you're hired as official boob wrangler
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
