He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
