So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
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I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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