YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
