for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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