Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
