he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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