I just cut my nipple shaving
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
