Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
