So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
