Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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