.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
