he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
