i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
