is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
