I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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